R

曾經有人跟我說過，「R」這個字，尤其是加了母音「e」變成「Re」之後，幾乎全數帶有重複、再的意思。翻了翻我的從小用到大的英文字典，光是 Re開頭的字彙就佔了36頁之多。Recall, recede, recluse, recover, redeem, reduce, reflect, reform, rejoin, release, remain, remind, remove, renew, repay, repeat, resent, reserve, restrain, retract, retry, return, revenge, reveal, rewrite...所以我一再重蹈覆轍，一再循環。我知道，又不知道；我瞭解，又不瞭解；我體諒，我又憎厭；我衝動，我又壓抑；我想要，我又逃避；我強壯，我又軟弱。「矛盾」，今天有人這樣形容我。十五六歲那年，一個橘紅色的午後，在教職員辦公室走廊外面的石椅，充滿智慧的歷史老師就看出我的互相拉扯的靈魂。「妳年紀還這麼輕，怎麼會有這麼複雜的思想？妳不斷地在自我否定，自我推翻...」嘆了口氣，「妳整個人就是用矛盾組成的。」十五年前她就已經下了定義。

昨天看Weather Man，一部一直在下雪、下雨、陰天的沈悶小品。最後天氣預報員闡釋了他曾經對自己人生的預測，以及實際發生的真相。

I remember once...

...imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like.

I pictured having all these qualities.

Strong, positive qualities...

...that people could pick up on from across a room.

But as time passed...

...few ever became any qualities I actually had.

And all the possibilities I faced, and the sorts of people I could be...

...all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer...

...until finally they got reduced to one...

...to who I am.

And that's who I am...

...a Ridiculous R